Courtroom Fashion

One of the worst parts of divorce is the legal part. It’s so SERIOUS! With one swing of a gavel, some random judge who doesn’t know you, or your family, can make a decision that affects you all forever. That’s SCARY!

Ugh!! And all that serious brown! It’s a color tragedy in a courtroom! Enchantment, humor, whimsy–are all discouraged in court, and if you try to sneak some in, you will get in trouble.

At least that’s what my lawyer tells me. (My lawyer is adorable by the way, with piercing blue eyes, thick dark hair, long thick lashes, and a deep gorgeous voice. You’re going to be spending a lot of time with your lawyer, and most of it will be stressful, so I recommend making sure your lawyer is eye candy. I mean, why make everything worse by have your representation be on the plain side?)

I struggle with looking “courtroom respectful” but still feeling like me.

So, when I have a court date coming up, I prep by:

Watching one of the many excellent legal shows on television, from Drop Dead Diva to The Good Wife to How To Get Away With Murder. All shows will give you tips on defending yourself if the need arises, and empower you to defend yourself. “She who knows the law wins”. (My lawyer loves it when I send him bullet points on defending me. Ha! Actually, he probably doesn’t love it, but I know me and my marriage the best, so I can point out details he may not know that can be used.)

The one thing court shows won’t teach you is what to wear to feel your most empowered, most unshakeable, and most strong.

For courtroom fashion inspiration, I love watching the courtroom scene in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes with Jane Russell pretending to be Lorelai, played by Marilyn Monroe. Jane wears a blonde wig and gets on the stand wearing a floor length fur coat. During her testimony, she drops the coat to reveal an adorable leotard/corset dance ensemble with fringe and she proceeds to dance around the courtroom while singing, shaking her fringe, and creating a courtroom scene that is fabulous. Now if court had these kinds of lovely surprises, I would be excited to go! Jane Russell in the Cutest Courtroom outfit ever!

For real court though, it will work against you to wear a dance outfit. A better guide is to wear an outfit closer to the ones worn by Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell for their fabulous dance number Bye Bye Baby. Another excellent sartorial ensemble is the dance number When Love Goes Wrong after our heroines have lost everything and can’t even afford a cup of coffee. They sing to cheer themselves up, while sitting at a cafe wearing gorgeous suits with crisp collars, silk scarves, and gloves and berets. It makes it clear to me that there’s no problem that can’t be solved with a good musical number. When Love Goes Wrong: put on divine gloves and collars and jaunty beret!

Sometimes I peruse court outfits–this comes up with nothing but tennis outfits. So then I peruse different search words like “vintage glamour” or “glamorous criminals”, or American Hustle because I love 70’s rock glam, and my courtroom ensemble ends up including cat-eye sunglasses and boas, or long leather trenches and unbuttoned shirts. I send my ideas to my best friend, Kim, or to my Martini Club. My Martini Club consists of two fellow Moms, Jacquie and Cristie. We meet once a week for martinis and deep mom chats, which usually swings from kids to elderly parents to potential billion dollar business ideas to furry balls. We pride ourselves on our juvenile humor, and proudly gift each other and laugh hysterically over fluffy balls and martini socks. When once of us calls an Emergency Martini Meeting, we all drop whatever we are doing and meet to discuss the emergency. When then advise me on courtroom ensembles, they say things like, “You should have your ex wear that fringe leotard” or “Maybe tone it down a little?” Or “I would save that for a date night or club night and try something a little more muted.” Then I’ll send my ensemble ideas to my sisters who send me laughing emojis and are no help at all.

This outfit seemed like a great courtroom outfit in my own twisted mind, but let’s bear in mind, if I wore this outfit I would look like a stuffed leather cannoli. I have one cashmere Alice and Olivia dress with a crisp white collar that is my “I mean serious business” dress. I never ever wear it, except when I’m in a legal situation.

Of  course, I thought deeply about my outfit for mediation and showed up wearing the cashmere beauty with black stockings and black velvet ankle boots with a subtle glitter heel. I walked in feeling unstoppable, and my ex’s lawyer shook my hand wearing–I kid you not–UGG slippers and sweats, with uncombed hair. Really. For a mediation in an office. I didn’t get the pajama casual memo, and the mediation only served to make things so much worse. Our mediator was terrible and actually relayed WRONG information back and forth between our rooms that just made everything worse. We went nowhere, nothing was decided, and it was a total waste of time and $$. I’m not a fan of mediation.

And let’s not forget the ultimate courtroom feel-good movie, Legally Blonde!

This movie came out immediately after I was accepted to Harvard. I was graduating from UCLA, and lamenting the fact that I would attend Harvard with no computer. I didn’t own one and couldn’t afford to buy one. My dear friend, Courtney, loaned me her Tangerine Candy apple laptop for grad school, just like the one from the movie. I loved my candy laptop and I don’t know why Apple quit selling them–white is so boring! An endless parade of people called me to tell me the movie had stolen my story.

Elle Woods is the ultimate optimistic and stylish character, never forsaking glamour and style for intellectual pursuits. And she always puts a cheerful spin on her predicaments. I mean, how many of us have been invited to costume parties, gotten all decked out in a bunny costume, showed up and learned it wasn’t costume-themed, but marched right into the party anyway, determined to have a good time?

For example, I took my little ones to see Midsummer Nights Dream in the woods on Martha’s Vineyard, and I somehow got it into my head that fairy outfits were mandatory. We planned our ensembles for days, wore fairy wings and glitter and flower wreaths. When I showed up, the kids pointed out to me that no one else was dressed like fairies. (I hadn’t noticed, blinded by all the glitter in my eyelashes.) I sighed. This happens more frequently than I care to admit. (Once I attended a company Christmas party in NYC with my ex, and had decided in my head it was a Great Gatsby theme. I spent all day getting ready, wore a champagne sparkly flapper dress with a cabernet velvet 1920’s big collar jacket, and walked into the restaurant to a table full of bearded grungy dudes in jeans. Sigh. In any case, Elle dresses in bright pink, looks amazing, and still manages to save her innocent client from the clink.

Sometimes I fantasize about being a judge. I don’t like the black robe, but I love the idea of everyone standing when I enter the room, and listening to wild stories all day–can you imagine? All the drama? All the storytelling? I’m not equipped to be a judge because I generally believe everything everyone says, and I feel sorry for people, which can work against me when I’m dealing with a scallywag. In my courtroom, I would pass out warm chocolate chip cookies, issue an edict that everyone entering my courtroom must wear feet pajamas, and settle in for some seriously spellbinding storytelling. I suppose I’m better suited to teaching preschool where there are no scallywags. However, I love the idea of exacting justice on the people who have done wrong–I’m just not sure what that justice would be. I was on the Board of the Waldorf School in New Orleans where my daughter went to preschool, and the teachers had a unique way of treating behavioral issues. When a child was acting up, they weren’t sent to detention or the principal’s office (there was no principal), they were sent into the hallway to knit. Waldorf believes that knitting is therapeutic and calming and that working with your hands in intricate ways forms new neural connections that are healing. But I don’t think that would work with thieves and murderers.

In the end, does it really matter what you wear? I say YES!! Even court can be glamorous and fun with the right outfit! Okay, that’s not true. It won’t be either of those things, but it can be more tolerable with an outfit that makes you feel confident and gorgeous. I don’t know about you, but a beautiful pair of shoes, a swing dress in luscious colors, pearls around my neck and flowers in my hair just make me feel GOOD! And there’s no more important time to feel good than in a courtroom.

So rock that court outfit!! And send me photos of your ensembles so I can pin them to my wall and cheer you on from afar!!

Divorce Divas Unite!