Have you ever seen a movie that changed your life? I have actually seen many films that have enriched and informed my life in many ways, like Auntie Mame, Singing in the Rain, The Thin Man, All About Eve… but watching The Razor’s Edge with Bill Murray at the age of 16 had an extraordinary impact on my life.
I was an overt misfit and secret scholar in high school in Orem, Utah. It was obvious I didn’t fit in. I revered the style of Mary Poppins and wore oversized hats with veils to church on Sundays, long victorian gowns with bustles, and I carried a large carpetbag purse to school filled with trinkets I had bought at the local vintage shop to entertain myself while my teachers were droning on. My science teacher called me Madame Butterfly. As a secret scholar, I was a voracious reader and I’d walk through my school library searching for the thickest books I could find to read (I’m looking at you War and Peace, a delightful read for a 14-year-old secret scholar.) One might think secret scholars would be achieving A’s in all their classes, but I was happily pulling D’s.
Back then, the report card was handed to us, and I’d go home, find a black pen, draw a line through the D’s to turn them into B’s, then proudly tape those report cards up on the refrigerator.
I was asked to represent my school on the National Academic Decathlon Team in what they called the “underachiever division.” We were an elite group of 3 kids at our school who got terrible grades, but high test scores. Needless to say, this did not make me popular with my teachers, or anyone else now that I think of it. I was a 100% misfit, and back in those days, misfits didn’t have a virtual world to connect with their tribe. Oh no, we were solo travelers, traversing the island of misfit toys alone. But I found my tribe in books and movies, and I found The Razor’s Edge to be extraordinary. Now, in my travels, I often get talking with other scholars and we have an instant connection of reading the same books: Joyce, Hemingway, Anais Nin, Fitzgerald, etc. But I have never met anyone else who was inspired by this philosophical movie the way I was.
The Razor’s Edge (1984 Bill Murray version–there is also a 1946 version with Tyrone Power) is based on a book by the same name by Somerset Maugham. It’s a classic novel written in 1944 about Larry Darrell, “an American pilot traumatized by his experiences in World War 1 who sets off in search of some transcendent meaning in his life.” In the film, Darrell’s friend takes a bullet for him, and when he returns to his wealthy life back home, country clubs, fancy cars, and a high school sweetheart who wants him to be a stockbroker, no longer sound enticing.
He moves to Paris and works in a coal mine during the day, reading as many books as possible all night. Another coal miner tells him he hasn’t really lived until he’s read the Upanishads and visited India. He makes his way to a monastery on a mountaintop in India, reads, helps the monks, meditates alone on the mountain, and finally understands, “It is easy to be a holy man on a mountain.” He returns to Paris, re-connects with a different high school friend, Sophie, who has become a prostitute after losing her husband and baby in a tragic car accident. Darrell and Sophie connect, both broken-hearted and wanting simple lives of books, poetry, and being together. I won’t spoil the ending for you, but let’s just say it’s tragic.
When I saw this movie, it was like meeting a kindred spirit. I also wanted to live my life reading books, helping other people, falling in love, and doing physical labor. I was so inspired I got a job as a ski lift operator at Sundance Ski Resort so I could shovel snow all day and be out in nature. Every night I came home, aching and tired, but not too tired to read every book mentioned in the film, including the sacred books of India, the Upanishads, which then led me to the Mahabharata, Bhagavadgita, The Rubaiyyat of Omar Khayyam, Tao Te Ching, I Siddartha, all while listening to Bob Dylan, Pink Floyd, John Lennon, and Tom Waits.
I haven’t watched The Razor’s Edge since I was in my early 20’s, when I used to show it to everyone who asked me for a list of movies and books to read that might change their lives.
I want to preserve its lessons in my memory. Like others may have a sacred box to hold incense, exotic spices, or rubies, I have an exquisite little box in my soul that holds The Razor’s Edge. I am so grateful for the paths it opened up to me: reading the sacred Hindu books of India, the desire to travel, backpacking around Europe, going to school in Paris, and feeling like richest person in the world when I am sitting on a bench with a hot cappuccino in one hand and a book in the other.
