I hesitate to share this story because it’s so deeply personal, but when something has this big of an impact on me, I want to share it, just in case there’s someone out there who can relate.
A few weeks ago, as I sunk into my delicious nightly ritual of bubbles and books, the scents of sicilian oranges, lemons, and strawberries foaming up around me, the steam curling the pages of my book, I came across a section that changed everything.
The book was called “A Smoke and a Song,” written by a wild-haired raspy-voiced mystic named Sherry Sidoti. Sherri was my yoga teacher on Martha’s Vineyard for many years, and I had run into her at a holiday party on the island, where she told me she had written her memoirs.
So on this particular night, as the steam swirled into the air like incense, I read a section of her book about trying to process pain. Sherry was writing about a healing meditation she had learned called “Ho’oponopono,” some sort of powerful ancient Hawaiian meditation.
With bubbles up to my chin, I felt my inner skeptic spring to life. I am not a fan of “meditation.” I don’t like sitting still, and the mere word “meditation” gives me hot flashes, making me feel I’m doing something wrong. I also don’t like being told what to do, but so many people have gushed about the power of meditation, I decided to invent my own version that I call “dream dancing,” but it does not involve sitting still.
So the Ho’ponopono is a set of 4 tiny phrases, simple common words, that are reputed to have a powerful impact. Sherry wrote about saying them 40 times a day for 40 days and practitioners swear there can be a miraculous level of healing. As I read the phrases, there was one in there that really made me uncomfortable, a phrase that has been a thorn in my paw for years, but I decided to try saying the phrases anyway.
So I whispered them aloud:
I’m sorry. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you.
And I burst into tears. Unexpectedly, out of nowhere. What? Why? What was happening to me?
I said the words again with hot tears streaming down my face and my voice breaking as I started to realize what was happening.
You see, the thorny phrase for me was “I forgive you,” because there are people in this life I will never forgive. And as I grapple with my own pain, my sister and my friends tell me I must forgive or I’ll never heal, but this just makes me mad. How can you force yourself to forgive someone when you don’t actually forgive them? So I ask these “forgiveness anxiety-makers” if they have any suggestions on how to forgive and they shrug their shoulders and say, “You just do it.”
Right.
So I should force myself to forgive? How does that work? What if I don’t forgive? How can I forgive someone who was lying and cheating on me while I cared for my dying father? Who broke my heart when I needed him most? And worst of all, broke my children’s hearts? I can’t. I won’t. And I’ll fight anyone who tries to make me. (I told you–I’m terribly immature when it comes to trying to force myself to do things I don’t want to do.)
But, you guys, something happened when I said these 4 phrases together.
I realized it wasn’t him I needed to forgive, it was me.
What?
Until I said those words, softly to myself, I didn’t even know the only person torturing me was me. Why did I need to forgive myself? Well, there were many reasons. I needed to forgive myself for not being able to give my children the protected magical childhood I had wanted for them; for not choosing a stable father for them; for allowing myself to be treated the way I was treated for so long; for doubting my own power…
The list goes on, and the list is deep and heavy… and I didn’t even know I was carrying it.
Something in me unlocked that night in my bathtub.
The next day, I snapped my pink yoga mat onto the floor, I like to roll it out with a flip of the wrist in a dramatic toss, and started my dream dancing, but this time I added the Ho’oponopono words and wow, the floodgates opened, and as I fell to my knees, I realized I needed to forgive myself for even more–for not being able to save Kim, for not being able to save my Dad, for not being able to save my sister.
So heavy–so deep–with the transformational words said over and over, there was a shift, an unlocking, a softening.
How could I have been carrying all these boulders, these blocks of ice, WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT? No wonder my tattered heart felt crushed, but with each Ho’oponopono, more icy blocks dissolved.
As everything softened in me, everything in my life shifted, started to move in a positive way. I was invited to speak at events around the world. My film got into festivals. I told my children about it and saw a shift in them too. Magic was afoot. Maybe one had nothing to do with the other, but they felt connected.
I started telling my friends about this revelatory experience with Sherry’s book and the Ho’oponopono, and they said, “Write it down for me. I’m going to do it too.”
Many of my friends already knew about it. They’d say, “Oh yeah, the Ho’oponopono meditation, I know that one, it’s about forgiveness.” Which of course sent me into my usual fist-shaking attitude towards that volatile f-word. “Forgiveness” is too tricky for me and far beyond my abilities.
But in Sherry’s book, she didn’t say Hoponopono was about forgiveness, she said it was about healing pain. Maybe that’s two sides of the same coin, I don’t know, I’m no meditating wisewoman, but however she explained it, all I know is it worked for me, and I’m still doing it every day because it keeps unlocking layers and layers of things in my soul I didn’t know I was clinging to, doubts about my own power, and by power I mean self-worth.
And this is another weird part, I didn’t know I was doubting my own self-worth.
And if I don’t know the things that are blocking me, how can I change them?
I find life to be endlessly mysterious, but because I found this Ho’oponopono to be so powerful for me, I want to share it with the world.
Here’s a little peek into how it sometimes works for me.
“I’m sorry” (Soft and sincere–it immediately takes me into the heart of humility.)
“Please forgive me” (A step deeper into the heart of humility where things pop up you didn’t know were there.)
“Thank you” (Gratitude lifts me up and opens the door.)
“I love you” (Unlocks EVERYTHING, these words are like a waterfall of golden lights cascading over my head, a glitterbomb thrown over me)
Who knew that 4 tiny phrases said in the same sequence would have such an effect on my life? It’s been like magic, for me, unveiling entire worlds inside me that I didn’t know were there. Is this what meditation is for people? I don’t know. I’m still not crazy about the m-word or the f-word, but I do like Ho’oponopono, although my phone spellchecks it to Hapoopoo which makes me laugh every time.
